Friends

Recently, we had a person get really friendly with us. Wanted to hang around a lot- called us friend.

I lost my job and suddenly, our friend always had other things to do, and people who threw money at him, to do it with.

Recently, I became gainfully employed with a federal job. Guess who showed up again?

The damage has been done, our 'friendship' will never be. Alas, I am not a giver of second chances in this area. Life is to short to waste on people who are lukewarm. I spit them out.

Harsh? Nope. Smart? Self-preserving? Economical of my time? You betcha.

Do or shut up.

Introduction to being me

I have an issue. It's myself. I've questioned God many times as to why He would make me the way I am. I'm an odd duck. Socially awkward- not shy! I have a contingency plan for almost everything, and a contingency plan or my contingency plan, and a contingency plan for the contingency plan's contingency plan, and.... You get it.

My mind is my greatest gift God gave me, but it comes with the strange personality quirks. I'm learning to love them. I have embraced many of them already.

I will not react to your distressing situation with feelings. I will have a logical response. I'm aware of this and have taken steps to try to remedy it. Usually, I remain silent. Many times, it comes across as insensitive. I never intend it to be that way. If I mean to be rude, you'll know.

I have impossibly high standards for myself. I know I will never live up to them, yet I have them all the same. I have high standards for you, yet not as high as my own, and have learned long ago you will never live up to them, either. Completely idealist and completely cynical.  I believe anything is possible, yet don't believe people will try to be what they could be.

Odd. I warned you.

Curiosity is my driving force. I either love a subject or don't care about it. There is no in-between. If I love it, I will master it. Subject matter changes and fluctuates. Today is psychology, tomorrow may be French-inspired impressionist art. I never know what spark will lead to a flame.

I don't think in a linear way. A leads to B which leads to C. Boring.

I have several thought processes happening at once.

One is concentrating on what I see. I'm engaged in typing at this moment. I already know exactly how this is going to continue and I have already discarded the stuff that will not work. My mind has already finished this post. Now it's ready to move on to something else. Stupid slow fingers.

Another is thinking about tomorrow and all the possible scenarios that will be played out. Few things surprise me because I prepare for everything.

Another is making anagrams or other word games. Example: I didn't start the fire.
Die Hard Fitters Tint. A Drifted Sitter Hint. Ok... time to move on.... Daniest Tire Thrift. Really.... Darted Finite Thirst

There are about 10 thought processes. They overlap and intertwine into a huge messy knotted ball-like thing. Or not. It depends on what's going on. It's never straight, though. Boring.

My mind is so loud, I could never imagine how it would be silent. This is one of the reasons I don't like a lot of outside noise. I already have a lot demanding my attention.

I hate it when people say to stop thinking. It's insulting. I try to remember that people don't think like me. A-B-C. Boring.

Propaganda

I've been reading a lot of things where World War II, and the events surrounding it, was a major focus. Not intentionally. One woman commented that she can see a correlation between the early Nazi regime propaganda and American media today.

I believe that I saw such a thing lately.  I hope the person who was speaking didn't realize what he was doing.

I'm not talking about Jews. This person was talking about people who separate themselves. People who think differently that the rest of the group. People who are around, but don't quite fit in- infiltrating (my word, yet it was implied).

This is super scary to me. Different shouldn't be bad, yet it is.

Different is treated like a disease, a filthy  thing to hide and be ashamed of.

Something that needs to be weeded out and disposed of.

Jesus didn't think the way the masses did. He didn't act the way the masses did.

Jesus was different. It got Him killed.

God is in the dark

There is a man that I highly respect. I enjoy talking to him about all kinds of things. He's older and wise beyond what I would ever hope to aspire to.

The subject of darkness came up. I had mentioned that I always felt comfortable and peaceful in the dark. I liked it and was at home there.

When I usually tell people this, I get a strong negative reaction. Dark is bad. Dark is evil. Satan is dark.

Yet, this is not so. Lucifer was a thing of beauty. I bet he sparkled so in the light of God, giving off miniature sun rays and rainbows every time he moved. Not a dark creature at all.

You were in Eden, the garden of God; every precious stone adorned you: carnelian, chrysolite and emerald, topaz, onyx and jasper, lapis lazuli, turquoise and beryl. Your settings and mountings were made of gold; on the day you were created they were prepared. You were anointed as a guardian cherub, for so I ordained you. You were on the holy mount of God; you walked among the fiery stones. You were blameless in your ways from the day you were created till wickedness was found in you. Through your widespread trade you were filled with violence, and you sinned. So I drove you in disgrace from the mount of God, and I expelled you, guardian cherub, from among the fiery stones. Your heart became proud on account of your beauty, and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor. So I threw you to the earth; I made a spectacle of you before kings. 

~ Ezekiel 28:13-17

He is also often portrayed as an angel of light.

And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve.

~ 2 Corinthians 11:14-15

Dark is not necessarily the devil's time.

The gentleman told me this:

"God had to create the light. He was always in the dark."

Flattery

I have had the, ummm, pleasure, of receiving flattery lately. I'm not talking compliments here. I know it's flattery because:

1) what is being said is not true
2) one flatterer only speaks to me when he wants something
3) they both want me to do something that I'm not inclined to continue

flatter
verb
lavish insincere praise and compliments upon (someone), especially to further one's own interests

Yeah. I'm not one for flattery. Compliments are fine, bu they must be true! 

Don't be a flatterer and know when someone is flattering you. Things will not work out. A friend will always tell you the truth, especially when it is hard to hear.


A man who flatters his neighbor Is spreading a net for his steps. ~Proverbs 29:5

They speak falsehood to one another; With flattering lips and with a double heart they speak. May the LORD cut off all flattering lips, The tongue that speaks great things; ~Psalms 12:2-3

There is nothing reliable in what they say; Their inward part is destruction itself. Their throat is an open grave; They flatter with their tongue. ~Psalms 5:9

Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. ~Proverbs 27:6

Wisdom and Intelligence

Here are some characteristics of what a highly intelligent and wise person is like:

• Listen more than talk
• Know a little about a lot
• Never assumes they are smarter/ more intelligent
• Always tries to speak at the other person's level
• Question everything
• Seek truth
• Focuses on a message, not on a person
• Admits they can always learn more
• Tries to learn from everyone
• Thinks before speaking
• Hesitates to use their knowledge
• Doesn't have to have all the answers
• Values opinions of others
• Will go with the best idea, not just theirs

Also, highly intelligent people tend to be introverted. Sorry extroverts, you can be highly intelligent to, but the science is against you.

I spoke with God today

I spoke with God today.

I asked Him to guide me,

To show me the way that I must go. 

"Patience." He said to me. 

I spoke with God today. 

I asked Him why me?

How to heal the deep wounds?

"Love." He said to me. 

I spoke with God today. 

I asked him what is love?

I seem to be mostly incapable of it. 

"Compassion." He said to me. 

I spoke with God today. 

I asked him why so misdirected,

Why those whom so few care about?

"Love." He said again. 

I spoke to God today. 

Love, we've covered this. 

My way of loving is wrong. How do I?

"Me." God said to me. 

I'm odd

I am odd, that is true.
Don’t judge me for being myself.
Fear of self creates a mindless mob,
Constantly being normal and acceptable.
Boring.



I am odd, this is me.
Free to do and say as I please.
Unrestrained to live a care-free way,
Constantly rejected for being different.
Unwanted.



I am odd, free to live.
Able to shake society’s expectations.
Knowing the I will never be accepted openly
Being a constant embarrassment. I’m free to be me.
What are you?

Writing

I've been thinking. A lot. About everything. A lot.

I'm always thinking.

This time, I'm thinking of a book.

One I would like to write. I always wanted to. So why not?

I have my own world inside my head, so why not share.

I hope the world is ready for a glimpse inside.

Smiling

Smiling had been discussed in a few venues that I happen to frequent this past week. One venue stated that you should, especially as a Christian, smile a lot. The other took the view that if you don't feel the need to smile, you shouldn't fake it.

I take the latter view.

I am not prone to smiling. I do, but it doesn't come naturally to me. I have what is known among INTJ's as a death glare. Others call it 'resting witchy face' (but with a different first letter). I look angry all the time, but I'm not. The deeper I think and the more I concentrate, the angrier I look. Yet, I'm not.

I'm always thinking. It's a trait we introverts are blessed with. Thinking over socializing isn't bad as extroverts believe.

I was sitting while I heard yet another extrovert extole his version of Christianity on everyone. I hear this stuff a lot. Things like "come out of your shell", "we can get you out of that", "you'd be happier if you talked more", or in small groups, "you're doing so much better".

I always ask myself a few questions:

1) Should we fake something if it's what's expected of us?

My answer is no. There is nothing wrong with me. Your perception of me is wrong. God created me this way. There is a purpose to me. Extroverts want me to be like them, but God wants me to be me. I should never tell God He was wrong by faking to be someone I'm not.

Yet, it's a smile. What harm? If you have seen my fake smile, you would understand. Creepsville.

2) Why do (extroverted) Christians expect all Christians to act the same?

We preach tolerance and love to everyone. Yet, in my experience, everyone is accepted to be themselves until you become Christian. Then you're expected to be just like everyone else. How boring.

We preach acceptance but rarely practice it with our own.

I am joyful.

Joyful is an adverb. Adverbs answer questions such as: In what way? How? To what extent?

Happy is fleeting, like all emotions are.

Joy is a choice you make.

James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds

Being myself is my trial. I choose to be joyful in it.

Bible v Devotional

I hear so many people talk about how they can't get through their day without a devotional. They don't feel right if they haven't done their devotion. Their daily devotions is what keeps them on track.

I cringe when I hear people talking about how great their devotionals are.

Devotions are nice. You get to see how God is speaking to someone else. You can learn for someone else's conversations with God.

Yep. Devotionals are nice.

I would rather have God speak to me directly. I have never failed to learn something when I read my bible. I get greedy for God to speak to me when I turn the pages. The truth that pours out and the insights and wisdom that it holds.

That is what the Bible is for. Diving in, drinking deep, and losing yourself in God.

I need to hear God talk to me. It's a craving I can never fill.

I like to hear what God said to someone else.

I love hearing God speak to me. His Word is the first devotional we all should use.

Does this devotional-craze have a direct correlation to how little we think for ourselves now? Just another reason to not have to find out truth on our own?

Or do people just hate to study on what they claim matters to them? Are they unwilling to take the time to get to know God on a more intimate level?

God studies us. He knows us. Yet so few of us give Him the same treatment. We would rather have someone else's interpretation of God.

Bible v Devotional

I side with the bible. Every time.

Ignorance- it all depends on where you stand

I was just thinking back on a time in my life that has shaped how I treat people as a Christian. I had not always had the same respect shown to me by Christians as I try to show now.

I went through a time where I was sought out and told what I was doing was satanic. How ignorant I thought those people were. What I was into had nothing to do with Satan. Christians needed to get it straight.

Yet, now, I see that it was. I see how ignorant I was for not knowing, for not being able to see their side.

Of course, their side was pretty nasty to my side. I would never lower myself to become a 'Christian' because they were not very good people. Not in my experiences.

The Christians that I had encountered were not ignorant in their theology. They were ignorant in their way and attitude.

I was ignorant of their knowledge.

Ignorance is a fence. People gather around it and settle in on a side.

Today, I never tell people in the occult they are practicing satanic things. I would look ignorant to them- as did those Christians many years ago seemed. Yet, I would never mistreat them, either.

I choose cognizance instead.

Good Friday

Today is good for us.

About 2014 years ago, it was not good for Christ.

Imagine going to the party of the year knowing that you are going to die a horrific and terrible death. Then have everyone you love (save a very few) desert you. Then make sure that God deserts you.

Now, know that this is going to happen a week ahead of time.

Do you go? No, probably not.

Jesus did.

We focus on what he did, yet we never talk about what that week must have been like. The pure mental torture that Christ must have endured before he even set foot into Gethsemane.

Perhaps that is part of how He was able to go to the cross so willingly. Perhaps His human mind broke a little. Perhaps not.

The physical pain of the cross and the spiritual pain of having God turn His back on Jesus wasn't the only thing that He had to endure. He had the mental pain of knowing!

Yet He did it willingly.

Why?

So we may have hope and live.

Palm Sunday

Palm Sunday, I looked around my church and everyone seemed so happy. It is always a day of reflection for me.

saying to them, "Go to the village ahead of you, and at once you will find a donkey tied there, with her colt by her. Untie them and bring them to me. ~Mathew 21:2

This had to be the hardest command that Jesus had ever given His disciples.

He rides into Jerusalem for the last time. People are waiting and shouting to Him. "Hosanna!" They love Him! They welcome Him with open arms. These people have projected onto Him a person He had never claimed to be, and never would be.

All of the movies I see depicting this scene have Jesus smiling and waving at the crowd.

I don't think that happened.

Jesus knows this is His last entrance into Jerusalem. This is His last week with His friends and family. He knows that these people who love and adore Him now will, in one short week, be calling for his death.

The heartbreak He must have felt. The utter sense of betrayal. The crushing weight of His plight must have been bearing down.

No, I can't believe that He was smiling and waving.

He sent His friends, friends who would flea from Him the moment He needed them most, to get the donkey God had prepared for Him. His final luxury, no opportunity to shake the dust off His feet. The march to His last meal before His execution. Next to the cross, this had to be the hardest thing He ever had to do. Knowing that God is honoring Him for the last time. I may have gone insane.

No. He was not smiling. Sadness filled His heart.

Yet, He still went, willingly.

Why?

So we may have hope and live.

Go the extra mile

Why is it I'm always expected to dumb down my conversation for everyone? There's only so much weather to talk about. 

I want meat in the words I exchange. I'm starving on milk. 

Jesus said to go the extra mile (Matthew 5:41). He's talking about doing deeds without complaining. 

Ok, maybe I'm complaining a little. 

But I do go the extra mile. All. The. Time. 

I just wonder if there is some one out there who would do it for me. 

Miracles

My middle daughter has had a torrent of medical issues. The most recent is a cyst growing inside the ninth rib on her right side.

The cyst was growing so large, her rib was paper thin around it. This cyst seemed to be eating the bone. It was brittle. So brittle that she coughed and the bone broke.

It is called a cyst for lack of a better term. No one knows what it is.

Or what it was.

We got the latest test results back today and whatever it was that had been growing inside her rib is gone.

No trace that there was anything there.

The rib is 100% normal.

Today, God graced my daughter with a miracle.

People never change

It doesn't matter where you are, people are people. They always will be. Nature does not change.

When someone deems you not worthy of their time, you never will be.

When you are not the type of person that they want to associate with, they will never like you.

If you are not the kind of person that they want representing your organization, move on.

Accept people for who they are, even if they won't accept you.

Christ loves everyone. Love like Christ, not like people.

Victim v. Survivor

There is a difference between a victim and a survivor. One wallows in their circumstances, the other overcomes it.

Not this! This is different. Let me explain.

 Victim can be defined as:

n. a person or thing that suffers harm, death, etc. from another or from some adverse act, circumstance, etc.

Survivor can be defined as:

n. a person who copes well with difficulties in their life

One suffers, and always will suffer, and the other copes.

Victims never recover, they never move on to the survivor stage. They should, but don't. They always have a  'poor me' scenario. These people tend to play on the emotions for others. They never take responsibility for their own actions in their circumstances. It's always someone else's responsibility. It's always someone else's fault. They will always suffer.

Survivors overcome. They learn from their problems and hardships. When something happens, they walk away stronger and healthier. They accept that things happen. They acknowledge that they could have made better choices. They reach out. They are only victims for a short time.

Our world has a cesspool of victims.

We need a myriad of survivors.

Does God have favorites?

I was sitting in a group in my new church, in my new state, when the pastor mentioned that God has favorite people, just like people do. People having favorite people- I get it. God having favorites? God? Having favorite people? People He made?

This idea unsettles me. Deeply.

What hope do those like me have? Little to none.

I'm not a popular person. I know this. I'll never be charming and charismatic. I know this, too. And I can't learn to be, or let myself be. It's not written into my DNA. I can change the way I think. I can change how I treat others and who I associate with. I cannot change who I am at the core. And no one should ever ask me to.

I digress, back to God's favorites.

I understand that God honors some more than others. God blesses some more than others.
This ideas settled on me like a storm cloud. It followed me around and hung right next to me for days. It was always in my thoughts. It became an insistent drum beat.

God has favorites... God has favorites... God has favorites...

I started watching people. Were they one of the favorites? Probably. Why wouldn't they be? They're likable people. Not a weirdo like me.

Then the thought set in. That one that takes you to a new level. The one that destroys everything forever.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. ~Proverbs 139:13
I knew you before I formed you in the womb. ~Jeremiah 1:5a

If God has favorites, and God formed me, then God had no intention of me becoming one of His favorites. God had cursed me to be the person I am.

Simply being myself is my own cross to bear.

This simply can't be true. Where is the hope after your assurance of Heaven? Why trust that God will even allow you there? He can make Heaven for His elite. His chosen. His favorites.

This has comforted me:

As for those who were held in high esteem- whatever they were makes no difference to me; God does not show favoritism... ~Galatians 2:6